Dangerously in Love
by Rozi
Summary: I'll bet you're really fed up of post fractures fics.. well guess what? Here's another one! Aeryn has a bad accident which resurfaces her grief and Crichton is on the recieving end! UPDATED! LAST CHAPTER UP!
1. The accident

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Dangerously in love: A Farscape Fan Fic

(My first attempt at a post-fractures-angst-filled-shippy fic) 

Inspired by Destiny's Child's song "Dangerously in Love" From the album "Survivor" and all credit for Farscape and stuff goes to those geniuses at Jim Henson and to Rockne S O'Bannon. 

*******

Aeryn awoke and stared at the ceiling. There were still times when she expected to wake up in Talyn next to- No! Get a grip! He's gone, there's nothing you can do, she told herself, and this isn't going to help. 

She sat up and hugged her knees, her eyes hurt and her head ached. 

From too much crying, she realised with horror. 

She got up, it was quite early, but she was awake now. No way she could go back to sleep, she got out of bed and walked over to her pile of clothes. She caught her gaze in the mirror on the way and saw her face was blotchy, her eyes were red and her hair was looking like dren. 

Frell, I look awful, she thought, I need some sleep, desperately. 

It had been hard recently, ever since he died. It was still hard to get her head around it, harder to hide it and the most difficult thing was to get Crichton to leave her alone. He was constantly around her, trying to help, trying to talk and making it worse. She desperately wanted him away from her; he made it more painful, she couldn't love him the same way as John. He was different, why the frell couldn't he get it through his thick skull? 

Because he's stubborn that's why, almost like John was. 

"I want him back," she muttered to her reflection "is that too much to ask?" 

She walked back to bed, got in, pulled her covers over her head and sobbed. 

Pilot had called everyone to command, there was an abandoned vessel nearby and it might have some food, supplies or even weapons they could salvage. Crichton noticed that not everyone was in command. "Where's Aeryn?" He asked.

"I don't know," Pilot replied.

"Last I heard she was in her quarters," supplied Chiana. 

"Still?" Said Rygel hovering by D'argo 

"It's not like her to stay in so late," muttered the Luxan "then again, she hasn't been herself lately." 

Crichton heard him "She's probably just tired," he said meaningfully. 

"Yes, of course," D'argo said quickly. 

"Besides-" Crichton began.

"Did I miss anything?" Aeryn walked in, a cold expression on her face. 

"No, no! You didn't miss much," said Crichton brightly "Sleep well?"

"Any business of yours?" She asked coldly. 

"Sorry." 

"We're going to going on a salvage mission, there's an abandoned ship ahead and we can get some weapons and stuff," Chiana said, deeply aware of the tension "we figured we'd need your help, but you were asleep and-" 

"Didn't it occur that you could wake me up?" Aeryn replied, placing the Nebari under a heavy gaze. Chiana lowered her head and said nothing. 

"We should be there in about half an arn, Jool and Rygel are staying here," D'argo said "if you want to stay Aeryn-"

"No I don't." 

"Alright… well…. We'll be going soon…so…" He tailed off under Aeryn's stare.

"Let's get ready for a scavenger hunt boys and girls," said Crichton.

From the transport pod, ship looked pretty badly damaged, but from the inside it looked even worse. "What are chances that we are going to find anything on this dren-heap?" asked Aeryn.

"Not terribly high, but it's worth a try," Crichton checked his gun and locked it into his holster. 

John's gun, Aeryn thought.

D'argo heaved a bag over his shoulder and picked up his qualta blade "Me and Chiana will go this way and you two go that way, we'll meet back in two arns and, if it's worth it, keep looking. If there isn't anything then we'll go back to Moya." 

"Cool, see you in two," Crichton replied cheerfully.

"Anything happens-"

"Bleep you, got it."

"Good luck."

"Thanks D."

As he turned to walk away, D'argo had a thought "Watch out for thermic gas leaks. That's what powered the ship, there might still be reservoirs of it left in the pipes and it's highly explosive. One spark and we're blown to frell."

"Got it!" 

John and Aeryn walked in silence along the corridors of the ship. Crichton so desperately wanted to talk to her, but every time he tried the words failed him. Face it, you've got no chance, he told himself, let it go. It sounded so easy, but it really wasn't. He loved her so much, he had missed her on Moya and he had a feeling that they'd be close on Talyn. Why didn't she understand? They could at least talk about it couldn't they?

Maybe that was the problem. Maybe he talked too much. 

He turned to see if he could at least strike a conversation. She wasn't there. 

Aeryn had found a room, the door had long ago fallen away and decay hung in the air. She looked in her pack and found her torch. Flicking it on she guided it carefully around the walls, there were hooks that must have held things up on the walls, expensive looking old furniture lying around and broken trophies of some kind on the floor. Must have been an aristocratic chamber of some kind, she thought, it looks as if it was ransacked. She pointed her torch into the corner and what was there made her jump. It was a corpse. She couldn't make out the species, but it looked vaguely Sebacean, it was holding what looked like a small cannon in its arms. She edged closer towards it, on closer inspection the cannon's back was lodged deep into the corpse's stomach. The force of the blast must've pushed the cannon back into this thing's guts, she thought, what a nasty way to die. Still, could be worse. Wincing and trying not to breathe in the stench of the dead she pulled the cannon out with a sickening, meaty _squelch_. With the whole thing in view she recognised it. Heavy infantry Peacekeeper soldiers used this; it was Fragian Cannonette. These things could blast a hole in a prowler! They were dangerous on a high setting, as this poor bastard found out, but it was useful if you knew what to do. Aeryn couldn't remember ever using one in combat, but she had studied how to use one. She checked the loading chamber; it still had ammunition in it. The charge was still in fairly good condition to, the safety lock was corroded, but the trigger was fine. Also, if she remembered correctly this thing had a… she pressed a button on the underside of the cannon's barrel and a flash of blue surrounded her. Fantastic! It still had an operational shield!

Because the Cannonette weighed a drekket, it was hezmana to reload and half the time you couldn't aim for frell (it didn't really needed to be aimed anyway. Pointing it somewhere vaguely in the direction of your target and it would get it) the designers needed something to protect the soldier using it. So they came up with a force field that could withstand heavy pulse rifle and laser blast. The shield also cushioned the back-jump when the thing was fired. 

Aeryn looked down at the corpse. It obviously didn't save him.

She checked the shield's battery, quite a lot left; it must have recharged itself. Best let it power down now otherwise she'd waste the battery. 

Before she did she sniffed, what was that smell? She sniffed again and looked around. She heard a gentle hiss coming from the corner of the room. Gas.

Oh frelling YOTZ! 

She ran out, didn't see where she was going and tripped on a piece of debris. Aeryn fell heavily and jolted the Cannonette that was still in her arms. To late, she remembered that the safety lock had corroded away. The cannon fired. The force of the shot jarred her teeth and rattled her whole body. 

If a spark could cause an explosion, imagine what a Cannonette blast did. Fire roared from the place where the hiss came before, debris thundered down like a rain of boulders and Aeryn screamed. 

As everything went black, the noise roaring in her ears and the heat ripping painfully through her body, she uttered "John…" And some where in the distance she thought she heard him scream her name. 


	2. Anger and Madness

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Dangerously in Love

Part 2

"How do you think she is?" 

The voice seemed to come from a long way off; she couldn't define where it was coming from and was slightly distorted. 

"She's…" That was Jool's voice, she was pretty sure of it "in a fairly bad way Crichton."

"How bad?" That was Crichton. 

Aeryn felt hot and weak. Her head swam, she couldn't open her eyes, she couldn't move at all and she wasn't even sure if she was completely conscious. The heat, it was unbearable, it seared through every muscle in her body and she felt burned. 

"She had a pretty bad hit, she was lucky that the shield on that Peacekeeper weapon was still up otherwise she'd had been dead before you found her, but it didn't stop a lot of heat and debris hitting her," Jool's voice was shaking. 

"Will she be okay?"

There was a long pause, until Crichton repeated the question; his tone rising to the point of panic "Is she going to be okay?" 

"John, she hasn't got too many injuries that won't heal by tomorrow, but she's suffered a lot of… mental damage." 

"What?"

"The combination of intense heat and being buried under the rubble of that ship-"

"Permanent?!"

"I…"

"_Jool_!"

There was a series of clicks and Aeryn felt her eye being forced open and a bright light glared painfully. It was shut again and Jool said "I don't know, it's too early to give a clear-"

"Dammit Jool! Don't give me the E.R crap! What is going to happen?!" 

"Calm down John," D'argo's reasonable tone came across "Jool's doing all she can!" 

"Get off me!" 

There was a loud _crash_, angry footsteps heading towards the door and an overpowering silence that seemed to go one for ages. 

Finally, Chiana spoke "What are we going to do?" 

"You can pick up my surgical tools from the floor for a start," Jool replied coldly.

"He's a little… upset Jool, give him space," D'argo's voice came closer "He cares for her a lot."

There was further metallic clangs, Chiana said "Is it… really permanent Jool?"

"Like I said, I don't know, but we have to be careful when she wakes up, she could be in a fairly fragile mental state." 

"She's not the only one."

Aeryn listened, she felt a strange sensation of ambiguity, she wasn't sure what to think, but she couldn't do anything. 

There was a sharp sting in her neck for a moment, a dizzying confusion and she fell back into a dark sleep. 

Pilot stared solemnly at his panels, "Is there any chance she's going to wake up at all?" He tried to cover a shaking tone in his voice.

"I don't know, I injected some painkillers and some drugs to heal her injuries. I found some serum in… er… what was her name?" Jool sat on Pilot's banks looking at an opposite wall.

"Zhaan?"

"Yes, her old apothecary had some drugs that might help the heat exposure a little which I administered, but apart from that… there is little else I can do."

"I'm sure you're doing all you can, Moya and I greatly appreciate it Jool." 

She smiled fondly at him "You to were close weren't you? You and Aeryn."

Pilot nodded sombrely "She has traces of my DNA in her and she named Moya's baby after her father."

"Talyn?"

"Yes," Pilot scanned his databanks again "when-if- she wakes up… tell her that I wish her the best."

Jool bit her lip "I will," she choked "I'll try my hardest to bring her round and get her back to full strength, I'll do anything I can."

"Thank you," Pilot whispered holding out a mandible to Jool's tear streaked face "thank you."

Aeryn smiled, Talyn's wall red walls surrounded her like a blanket and the almost melodic hum bounced gently in her ears. She shifted a little and rested her head on a pillow, she felt so happy and everything felt so soft and kind. "Mornin' darling."

She turned to look beside her and saw everything that had ever given her happiness and love in her life. 

"John…" she sobbed "you're… alive?"

He laughed "Was last time I checked!" 

She blinked, "Yes, of course! I just had a… dreadful nightmare, it's nothing." 

He chuckled "It's over now," he whispered "I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere." 

She rested her lips on his brow "I know." 

Then it all passed, with an unremitting speed in front of eyes; the base, the Skarren Dreadnought, her last moments with John, the planet where she saw her mother and John's hastening ghost. Then a stab of heat hit her all over and forced her up.

She looked around, the room was dark and quiet. She was in the lab on Moya. She looked around for a moment, the clouds of grief hovered for a moment and she sobbed quietly. Burying her head in her knees she let the tears wash down her legs. 

"Frell, where are you John? Why did I let you go?"

"I'm here honey," at first she thought she was hearing things, but she looked up and saw the unmistakable shadow in the doorway.

It was defiantly him. 

She pushed back the covers and ran towards him, "John!" She cried out "it's you!" 

She leapt on him, wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply on the lips. The astonished Crichton staggered back for a moment, not sure what he was supposed to do and pulled away from the kiss. 

"Aeryn-"

"Please!" Hissed Aeryn "Don't, I have been living in a nightmare ever since I left that mystic planet, I tried to hide my emotion, my grief, back under my Peacekeeper guise, but I can't do it anymore! I love you so much! I can't bear it anymore!" 

She held his face hard and forced his gaze into hers "I can't…" she sobbed "I don't care if it's a dream or an illusion, I just want you back so much!" 

Crichton ran a hand down her cheek and through her hair "Aeryn, not like this…"

She stared into his eyes and realised.

It wasn't him.

Anger boiled behind her olive eyes, her face bunched up into relentless rage, she swung a fist and caught him hard in the jaw. He staggered back and looked up into her face, holding his jaw "Aeryn-"

"You frelling _bastard_!" She screamed. 

She kicked his leg away from under him and he fell to the floor hard on his back. He looked up just in time to see her land a sharp elbow into his stomach "You should have died instead of him!" She howled "You don't deserve to be here! He should be here!"

She landed a kick in his side, Crichton turned over groaning and holding his side. Aeryn kicked him in the stomach again as he tried to get to his hands and knees and he fell on his front. Crichton coughed and flecks of blood were mixed with his breath. Aeryn grabbed his shoulder and forced him round to face her "I'll frelling kill you!" She spat venomously "I swear!" She sat on his chest and punched his face again, grabbing his neck and swiping across his face. 

Crichton, amidst the blinding pain, opened his eyes and saw Aeryn raising her fist again, it was already heavily covered in blood and he shut his eyes again.

"Aeryn," he muttered "I hope this makes you happy." 


	3. Love did this

**Dangerously in Love: Part 3**

John shut his eyes again; he was sure this last punch would- he felt the weight lifted off of him followed by a series of curses and screams. He opened his eyes and saw Aeryn being dragged by the arms to her bed by D'argo and Chiana. He tried to get up but found his legs didn't want to support him.

"Hold her Chiana!" D'argo cried "Jool's going to get her with the stabilisers-"

"I'm trying!"

John watched with horror as his friends held the woman that he was desperately in love with to her bed as she yelled and struggled like an enraged beast. It wasn't her, it couldn't be! This wasn't happening! God oh God…

"Hold her still D'argo!" Jool ran in with a needle in her hand "I have to be careful with this-"

"We're trying Jool!" shouted Chiana.  

Aeryn's struggling managed to pull an arm free and she hit the unfortunate Nebari in the jaw and she fell backwards. Aeryn tried to get free of D'argo's powerful hold, but the Luxan pinned both of her arms to the bed. 

"Hurry Jool!" He bellowed "I can't hold her forever!" 

Jool held Aeryn's head carefully and placed the needle into her neck, there was a _whoosh as the drug was released into Aeryn's bloodstream and her struggles calmed. They calmed more as her screams became quieter and finally she fell unconscious. _

John felt physically sick, D'argo lifted Aeryn's lifeless form up and placed her in the bed properly. Jool ran a hand across her forehead delicately "The stabilisers will help calm her… heat sickness… a bit, but I think we should confine her to her quarters," she said quietly, trying to avoid the others gazing at her. She looked back at them "For her own safety," she added. 

John got to his knees and looked at Aeryn's passive form on the bed, he launched into a coughing fit, blood staining his spit and she felt as if someone had crushed his ribs. She probably had done. 

D'argo held a hand out to help him up "John, are you-"

"Don't ask if I'm okay, I'm not," John replied coldly. 

"I'm sorry-"

"Hell, so am I." 

He staggered away towards the door, Jool put a hand on his shoulder "You need treatment, you look pretty bad Crichton."

He turned to look at her "I _look pretty bad? I feel worse," he said with a weak chuckle._

"John, she's not in her right mind, that wasn't her that did that to you-" Chiana began. 

"Who was it then?"

With that, Jool helped him limp to the medical lab. 

Chiana and D'argo looked at each other.

"Do you think it's permanent?" Chiana asked.

"It seems that way," he replied darkly. 

The Nebari turned to look at Aeryn and blinked away her sadness.

Jool dabbed a cut on John's face carefully and gave him a cold press to hold against his eye, which was swelling. "You have a cracked rib, but that will heal up soon, a number of cuts and bruises and that eye will probably stay black for at least a few solar days yet…" she trailed off as her medically-professional tone seemed to bounce off him. She sighed, "John, Chiana was right, she wasn't completely in her right mind, she's bound to act like that and besides-" 

"She said she wanted me dead." 

Jool swallowed and looked away "That's not her, you have to believe me-"

"You done?"

"Yes, but-"

"Leave me alone, please."

"But-"

"Jool?"

She patted his arm, stood up and walked away "You'd best stay here," she added.

"Fine, go away please."

Jool nodded, headed towards the door and left John alone.  

John buried his face in his knees, he had never felt so terrible. He felt as if everything he had ever loved had been ripped away from him. He watched Aeryn scream at him to die then hit him and beat him senseless, struggle like a wild animal, a rabid dog and being drugged like one. 

He wanted to wake up; it had to be a dream, surely. 

"I'm afraid not Romeo, your Juliet has lost her marbles!"

Oh God, right on cue.

"Harvey."

The neural clone was apparently examining the medical instruments in the lab; it wore a crazy doctor's uniform, complete with white coat and headband. "Love conquers all eh?" It teased, "it has certainly conquered you."

"Harvey…"

"I told you it would never last John, she will never love you now! She's gone mad as a hatter, what are you going to live for now?"

"You win."

The neural clone stopped, turned to face John and its jaw dropped "What?"

"You heard me, you win, well done. How does it feel to know that you were right all along?" 

"I don't understand…"

"Harv, it's simple," John lifted his head and Harvey saw his eyes. They were filled with the kind of utter despair of those who had given up fighting; blood shot, lost and brimmed with tears. "I believe you now, I love Aeryn so much, but it's pointless now, she hates me to the point of killing me. Why should I love her back?" 

The neural clone's doctors clothes faded away, it blinked and gave John a side ways look "I… won?"

"Yeah, congratulations, I feel like crap and love did it to me. I ought to give you a pat on the back."

Harvey had been coped up John Crichton's brain for quiet some time; the only things it had to do were to delve into his memories or to torment him. It was always convincing him to be tougher, have more fight, and give up love and emotion. Now, looking at him, it seemed that it had succeeded. 

It had never seen a sight more pitiful, neither as Scorpius nor through John's eyes.

Never. 

It said "A time to love and a time to hate…" more to itself than anyone else, and disappeared.

Even Harvey knew when to quit. 

John lay back on the bed, turned to his side put his hand over his face…

And cried. 

The following morning, Chiana, still nursing a bruised jaw, walked to Aeryn's quarters with a tray of food. She nervously opened the door and entered.                      

She looked around; there was no one on the bed. 

Chiana placed the tray on a table and saw her. "Aeryn?" She said nervously. 

She stared, Aeryn was curled up in a corner, her knees hugged tightly against her chest and she was shaking. There were faint sobs as well. 

"Aeryn?" Chiana repeated, "Are you…?"

She cautiously tapped her on the shoulder and Aeryn turned her head. Chiana jumped back in alarm, "Sorry! You scared me-"

"Sorry Chiana, I am so sorry!" Aeryn crawled towards her, holding out her hand "I am so, so sorry…" she broke down into fresh sobs and clutched the Nebari's hand. 

Chiana wasn't sure what to do; she knelt down and whispered, "It's okay, I didn't mean anything, but after yesterday-"

"Did I hurt anyone badly?"

"John took quite a nasty beating and you caught me on the jaw-" she stopped and cursed her honesty. 

"I don't know what I was thinking! I felt so angry Chiana, I wanted him dead, I thought it might bring him back some how," she buried her face into Chiana's shoulder "I don't know how, but I wasn't thinking right! I wasn't-" she let the tears peel down her cheeks "I need him here! I love him! It's eating me alive Chiana! I can't take this anymore! I am so pathetic! Chiana! I can't live without him anymore…"

Chiana wasn't sure what to do, she cradled Aeryn's head in her arms and whispered "You're not pathetic Aeryn, you're in love, you're grieving, it's natural! I did it to remember?" 

She stroked Aeryn's hair "It's okay, shusshhh…"

Still Aeryn wept, with lung-raking sobs that dropped tears on Chiana's shoulder. Chiana turned to look at the door and saw him.

Crichton stood and watched them, tears threatened his own eyes, but Chiana shook her head and mouthed, "Don't."

John swallowed, he hated to see Aeryn like that, but he knew the sight of him would make it worse. He turned away and walked back down the corridor. 

He walked back to the lab and saw D'argo and Jool mixing some chemicals "I think I may be able to help Aeryn's condition, I found some heat stabilising chemicals in here and some drugs that normally treat mental illness-"

"Jool," said D'argo meaningfully; seeing John enter the room "I don't think it's wise to-"

"Thanks Jool," John replied sitting on a bench "hope it works."

D'argo and Jool avoided each other's glances; John was in a fairly bad way to so it was probably best if they stayed tactful. D'argo turned to his human friend and said, "How are you feeling now?" 

"Like I was run over by a eighteen wheel juggernaut, which then backed over me, took out my heart and ripped it up," he said icily "apart from that? I feel like I'm in emotional Hell."

"I'm sorry John, if there's anything I can do-"

"Can you bring the dead back?"

There was an awkward silence, which was thankfully broken by an open channel call over the coms by Pilot "Attention, we are going to pass through a group of small suns, like the ones we passed through with T'raltixx? I suggest we move Officer Sun to somewhere cold; we don't want her to get any worse."  

"Good idea, how long have we got?" Asked D'argo.

"Another arn or so," replied Pilot. 

"Alright, we'll move her to the freezing unit," D'argo nodded to Jool "Jool? Bring some of those stabilisers, we need to be careful with her and John?"

"I'll help carry her," he said.

Chiana helped Aeryn onto the bed "You should sleep," she said, "you might feel a bit better soon."

"I won't be able to live again until he comes back Chiana, I can't live without him," Aeryn sobbed.

"Aeryn, you can! You lived without him before, you're strong Aeryn and you can get through this!"

Her words seemed to have some effect, Aeryn fell silent and lay down quietly. Chiana looked at her worriedly "Aeryn?" She said. 

She said nothing, Chiana looked down at the floor, what could she do now? Aeryn was so strong once, now she was crying and angry with herself… "Aeryn? I left some food on the table in case you're hungry and… well… I'll come back soon… and… so… goodbye." 

She walked toward the door and Aeryn called out "Thank you for talking to me, I really appreciate it Chiana." 

The Nebari bit her lip "It's okay Aeryn, I'm glad I could help," she said and walked away. She stopped, blinked and tried to stop herself crying. 

"I only wish I could do more."

Aeryn lay on the bed and stared at the opposite wall "I'm going mad aren't I?" she laughed, "I'm losing my mind, like you did, hah, like you always did."

"Love makes you crazy," John sat next to her bed, his elbows resting on his knees "I should know."

"What can I do?" She said "I can't go on this way, I keep on telling people that and they don't believe me."

"They think they know what's best for you."

"But they don't! Especially _him_! He has no idea what I'm going through; he thinks we can just talk it over, but then what else could I expect from him?"

"You know what you have to do don't you?"

Aeryn sat up and looked into his eyes "What?"

"If I can't get to you, you can get to me, you can be with me, with all of us."

"Mother, my father, Zhaan?"

"Yes, we all miss you Aeryn."

"How? How do I get out?

Then the call came over the com from Pilot "Attention, we are going to pass through a group of small suns, like the ones we passed through with T'raltixx? I suggest we move Officer Sun to somewhere cold; we don't want her to get any worse."  

Aeryn had an idea; John felt it to "Now's a good time."

She sat up and looked around the room "How do I get out?"

"That food Chiana left you, there's something there you can bust the door open with." 

Aeryn's eye caught the sharp eating utensil by the food "Remember that?" John said, "It's how we got out last time."

She smiled and picked it up "I remember," she whispered "I'll be with you soon John, I will." 

She walked over to him and ran a finger down his jaw line "I love you."

"I love you to, see you soon."

Microts later, the door to Aeryn's quarters was open and the utensil was stuck into a DRD that had watched her escape. 

I'll be there soon. 


	4. Life in love

**Dangerously in Love **

Part four

John and D'argo stopped at the scene and took in the broken DRD, the door and utensil in one glance. Crichton couldn't move for a moment, and then pulled himself together "Pilot! Aeryn's escaped!" He cried over the com.

"I'll get the DRDs searching John, you have to find her soon, the heat from those suns could kill her if she gets to close to the heat!" Pilot panicked. 

John's heart drummed with alarm, D'argo nodded "We'll split up, you go search the lower tiers and I'll go look in the upper tiers."

"Right! Jool? Chiana? You there?"

"Yes, don't worry John," Jool replied, "We'll find her."

"God knows what she'll do," muttered Crichton under his breath "I'll never frelling forgive myself!"

Aeryn ran harder through the corridors, her legs still felt weak from the drugs she had received earlier, but she staggered to the docking bay. She found her Prowler and staggered towards it. 

She turned to see two DRDs training their guns on her; she pulled her gun out of her holster and shot them quickly. 

"Pilot would have shut the doors," John said, leaning against the Prowler. 

"I know how to deal with that," Aeryn replied looking around the bay, she laid her eyes on the perfect way to open Moya's docking bay doors.

"For once," said John "Sparky has made himself useful."

Aeryn laughed as she set up the sevva crystals and detonators "You can say that again," she smiled at John "I'll see you John."

"Good luck honey."

Aeryn hopped up into the Prowler, twisted the bomb and threw it towards Moya's doors. 

Pilot cried out as the blast rocked the whole ship violently, "John? D'argo? Jool? Anybody?! There was an explosion in the docking bay!" 

Crichton looked round as the ship shook and he fell hard onto his side. Cursing because he had fallen on several painful bruises, he got up and another call came over the com "Moya's panicking! The docking bay doors are opening! I can't stop them!" 

John's mind raced, that could have been Aeryn, she could have set off the bomb and-

Then the call came over the com. From Aeryn. 

"Everybody? This is Aeryn."

John was the first to gather his senses "Aeryn! What the hell are you doing?!" 

"What I should have done the moment I came back to Moya. I am leaving, I'm not going to come back."

"Aeryn! Don't do this please!"

"Crichton, I am grateful for everything you have done, I'm sorry I hit you, I'm sorry I never appreciated the fact that you loved me, but you have to understand; I can never love you back. I love John, more than anything, I cannot live without him and I don't intend to."

"Aeryn! Don't tell me-"

"I saw everything in his eyes, it wasn't ever easy to love me, but he did, I sound so wretched, so sad, that is why I cannot go on being a burden to you all! To Moya, to Pilot or to any of you!" 

John had already begun to run to the docking bay, he already knew what she was going to do; she was going to fly into one of the suns! 

"I'm so glad for all of you, but I have to go. Thank you all so much." 

There was a rumble of an engine. 

"Chiana, Rygel, Jool, Pilot, D'argo, Moya and John, farewell."

"AERYN! GOD! DON'T DO THIS!" John screamed.

Everyone heard the message; they stopped, their hearts twisting at the words and John screaming at her to turn back. 

Rygel lowered his head, Chiana let out a cry of anguish, Jool trembled with grief, D'argo uttered a Luxan pray under his breath and Pilot shook his great head in disbelief. 

John carried on sprinting to the docking bay, desperate to stop her somehow. 

He saw his module and ran towards it. 

He wasn't going to let her go, not now; he didn't care if she never loved him again! Just as long as she lived! 

The module hummed to life as he started it up "Aeryn, please, I am begging you! Please come back, don't die like this! Not again…" he sobbed "Aeryn…"

Farscape one blasted out after the Prowler, it was a desperate chase towards the suns and the Prowler's course was set. 

Straight into the suns.

"John, you don't want to see this, it won't be pleasant," Aeryn's tone seemed calm and assured, "Go back to the others." 

"Aeryn, what do I have to do to convince you to go back?" John's cry was struck through with despair.

"You can't do anything John, I have to do this and you know it."

"This isn't you! You had a dose of heat wave and a knock to the head! You are not thinking clearly!"

"I have been crying every night since I came back, did you know that? Talking won't help me, it won't bring him back-"

"Aeryn, don't… God… don't…"

"It's to late now, I've made up my mind."

She positioned the Prowler in a collision course with a small sun in her range.

"If it makes you feel better, this isn't your fault Crichton, I should have done this earlier and saved you all the pain. I am sorry, I hope you get home soon, John never did, but maybe you will." 

"Frelling no!" 

"Goodbye."

Aeryn pushed the controls forward; the Prowler shot towards the sun with a frightening speed and Aeryn shut her eyes. 

"Zhaan, Mother, Father… John, I'm here."

She heard a chorus of screams and cries from her com, from everyone. They were a bit muffled, but she could still hear them, they called her back. She wasn't going to listen.

She was going home.

It was so strange here, peaceful, she was vaguely aware of a soft white glow around her and a feeling of weightlessness. She looked down at her hands and her body, not really knowing why.

"I'm dead."

"Not quite," said a familiar voice "you never seem to quite make it."

Aeryn turned to the source of the voice; it was filled with such calm and serenity that it was almost saintly. 

"Zhaan?" 

"The very same."

She looked so… beautiful, she was restored to the time before she had given her life for Aeryn, her arms outstretched in greeting and her deep blue eyes filled with the peace that she sought all of her life as a priest. She looked so happy.

"Zhaan!" Aeryn ran like a child towards her "I missed you so much!"

She embraced her tightly and Zhaan held her close "Child, what are you doing here?"

Aeryn looked into Zhaan's face "Stark's looking for your spirit, do you know?"

"Yes, I was calling him. He will find me soon I have no doubt, but why are you here?"

"I…" Aeryn began and saw another familiar face "Xhalax?" 

"Aeryn, my dear!" She looked like she did when Aeryn met her as a child. She had lost the hate and fury that had cost her life in the end; she had found peace. She took Aeryn's hands tightly "I thought I told you to live my child," she said, not a trace of anger in her voice "what happened?"

"I choose to come here, I didn't want to live with so much hurt anymore! I wanted to end it and be with you all! And I am! I'm with everyone again…"

"This isn't right child," Zhaan said "you have too much too lose now, you have gained so much-"

"And lost it the moment he died!" Aeryn cried, "I thought I could finally be happy, but what ever I love, what ever I share feeling with, passes away before my eyes!"

"That is not your fault Aeryn," Xhalax said soothingly "it does not mean you should stop trying." 

"I gave up mother, I could not live with the pain of so much emotion, it made me feel so weak and helpless. I felt like a burden to my friends where ever I went on Moya."

"Emotion doesn't make you a burden Aeryn, crying is a sign of strength, it makes you a compassionate and strong person," said Zhaan wisely "they will all want you back, they love you as much as we do." 

"I couldn't go back… not now," Aeryn buried her face into her mother's shoulder "I want to stay."

"If we cannot convince you, then maybe someone else will," Xhalax smiled and stepped back.

He stood, proudly and bravely. His eyes were there blue, crystal clear colour again; he looked so alive again. 

"Aeryn honey," he said with a smile "what are you here for?"

She stepped towards him, her eyes flooded with love she reached out and took his face in her hands "John, I missed you so much."

"So did I baby." 

He wrapped his arms around her gently and brought his lips down to hers in the same bittersweet kiss they had shared when he died. She broke away and ran kisses down his neck and stopped at his shoulder "I cannot say how much I wanted you back John," she whispered intensely "I didn't think I could go on without you." 

"I love you, why do you think I'd leave?"

"What?"

"I didn't leave you, no of us did! We just passed on."

She stared at him, "You mean… on that planet? When I kept seeing you? That was you?"

"Yes."

"I… thought it was the fellip nectar… talking to me!" She laughed. 

"Must've been damn good fellip nectar!" He joked. 

They laughed quietly, holding each other tightly until Aeryn said, "I'm staying." 

"Aeryn, you can't."

"What? But you…"

"That wasn't me, I would never convince you to take your own life Aeryn and it's not worth it."

"I'm still staying." 

He buried his face in her long black raven hair "Aeryn, Zhaan's right, you have a future, a life ahead of you, friends who would give their lives for you and everything! Why give it up for me?"

Aeryn shut her eyes "John, you are my life!"

"No, I am not. You are. I was part of it, but now you have to rebuild it. I am not worth your life, I never was."

"I would have given up everything to save you." 

"I would be saying the same thing if our positions were reversed." 

She sniffed and looked back at him again "I… don't know…anymore…." 

"Go back Aeryn, you still have a chance," said Zhaan "you were saved from death last time for a good reason, I will not let you die this time."

"If you can't live for me," said Xhalax "live for yourself." 

"Aeryn, I love you to much to let you die like this, please," John lifted her chin "go back now."

The controls shot forward with the force of the sun's gravitational pull.

"I can't just give up," said Aeryn "I won't!"

 "Aeryn, I love you, I know you will go on living, just like you deserve," John said and he kissed her again.

Aeryn gripped the controls as hard as she could and hauled back on them with all the strength she could muster. 

She turned to the others "Mother, Zhaan? I love you both, I'm so glad you found your peace." 

"As are we," said Zhaan "go and find yours." 

She grit her teeth, come on! You frelling piece of dren! Pull up! 

She turned back to look up at John "I love you John, I always have and always will." 

"I love you to Aeryn."

With a loud cry, Aeryn tugged the controls back…

"Go on living my love; for you!"

… and the Prowler blasted out of the sun's gravitational pull, out of the heat of it's flames and shot into space. She shut her eyes as the force of the blast pushed against her painfully and tugged back onto the controls again to pull her craft to a halt. 

She dared to open her eyes… she was alive! She'd made it! She laid back and sighed, "I won't give up," she said, "I never will." 

Crichton looked on in the most heart-bursting joy as he saw Aeryn's Prowler shoot out of the sun's flames just in time. He cried out "AERYN! YOU'RE ALIVE! THANK GOD!"

Aeryn breathed deeply as the cries of delight ran through her ears "Aeryn! You're alright!" screamed Jool.

Chiana bellowed her battle cry "Yi-yi-yi! Aeryn! You made it!" 

"Thank the Gods," muttered Rygel quietly.

"Aeryn! You did it!" D'argo's deafening bellow rang loud.  

John smiled, cried and laughed at the same time "Oh… honey, I can't tell you! You really had me worried then!"

"Yes, I'm alright," she said happily "I feel much better! I would like some help to get out of my Prowler when I land though!" 

"No problem baby!"

Aeryn smiled, "Crichton?"

"Yes?"

"Don't call me baby."

"Sorry! I'm just-" there was a series of strangled cries of elation "I've never been so happy!" 

"I'll be back at the ship in a microt, see you there," she said and turned off her com. They really did care, all of them and they wanted her alive. She let out a sigh, "I am loved, I can love again and I'll keep going."

"For me."

John landed on Moya first, letting the module down as gently as he could and quickly leaping out to see the Prowler land. He ran towards it and saw Aeryn crawl out. She focused her emerald eyes on him and smiled "I love you John…" she muttered and passed out. 

"Quick! Someone! Get down here and help me!" John cried over the coms "she needs to get to a doctor!" 

They came down in a rush, Jool was allowed to get to the unconscious sebaccean first and gave her a few drugs to treat her exposure to the heat of the suns. "She's going to be fine," she said, "I think the stabilisers I administered before are starting to take effect!"

"You mean-" Chiana began.

"The mental damage will probably clear up on it's own now!" 

"Thank you Jool," Crichton kissed her on the cheek "I'm so grateful!"

"We all are," said D'argo "Jool you have been amazing." 

She blushed, "I have to get her to the medical lab right away, I'll give you more details when I'm done," she said shyly. 

Crichton and D'argo helped Jool carry Aeryn to the medical lab and laid her carefully on the bed there. Crichton took Aeryn's hand and kissed it "Well done," he muttered, "I knew you'd make it."

Aeryn, although deep in a comatose state, heard him and unbeknownst to him or anyone else, she smiled happily and waited until Jool had finished her monitoring. 

Two arns later, Aeryn sat on a panel on Command staring out into space, she felt… complete in some way. She didn't feel crazily in love, she felt tranquil and calm. The stabilisers had worked it seemed. Maybe they'd kicked in just as she was about to crash into the sun? It seemed possible, but then again, wouldn't the heat of that sun made her condition worse? Perhaps that's why she saw them; she was hallucinating. 

That was rational Aeryn. She couldn't have talked to the dead, not properly; it had to be her imagination. Then again, if they were a figment of the imagination, then wouldn't they have told her to keep going into the sun? Maybe that was a way for her brain, which had recovered due to the stabilisers, to tell her that she should turn back? 

Whatever the reason, she felt better. That was the main thing. 

But still, it would be had been good if she really had seen Zhaan, her mother and… John. 

She heard footsteps behind her; she had a feeling she knew who it was, she said, "Hello Crichton."

He jumped, he didn't exactly want to sneak up on her, but he didn't want her to know he was there. "I'm- er- sorry- shall I go?"

"No, it's a free ship, you can stay if you want." 

"Thank you."

The quiet seemed to fill the room like noise, until John spoke "How are you now?"

"Much better John, thank you for asking. Jool's medicine worked wonders!"

"Yeah, it's strange how they kicked in just before you crashed into a-"

He stopped, aware that he would probably regret saying anymore "Sorry! I didn't mean-"

"I know, it's suspicious, but it's true. A stroke of luck really."

"Pilot said that if you'd gone any further into the sun's orbit, you'd had been pulled down into it by the gravity and wouldn't had been able to escape even if you'd wanted to."

"Really?" Aeryn said "Even bigger stroke of luck then."

John sat on a table and looked at her back "Aeryn, we heard you speaking as you went down-"

"What did I say?"

"We weren't sure, it was muffled and distorted, but Pilot's life sign register on the Prowler showed you'd…"

Aeryn turned to face him "I'd what?"

"You'd… died Aeryn. Your life signs had gone completely."

"And I was speaking?" 

"Yes," he leaned forward, "That was just a little weird Aeryn."

"Defiantly." 

"Aeryn, what did you see? Who were you talking to?"

Aeryn looked thoughtful for a time and said, "I was talking to the dead, it was probably a hallucination or a dream, but I saw my mother, Zhaan and… I think you can guess who else."

He could, he looked at the floor for a moment and then back at her "Did they tell you to turn back?"

"Yes, they said that I should live because I had so much to live for, I agreed." 

"Yeah, I do to."

Aeryn stared back out into space again "They said that I could deal with the emotions that nearly killed me, not fight them nor let them turn me inside out, but channel them differently. If you see what I mean."

"Yeah, I do."

There was another long silence.

"John-"

"I know, you can't love anyone else like him, you'll never be able to love me in the same way, I have to give you time etcetera. I understand."

Aeryn gave him a look, a strange sly smile and laughed, "You know me very well Crichton," she chuckled "I was going to say; 'I'm sorry for beating the dren out of you', but that is also my point." 

She swung her legs off the panel and stood up "I'm glad you understand. I thank you for being so compassionate John, I'm also so thankful for your patience, but I'm afraid it will have to hold out longer."

"I have all the time in the universe babe-"

"John?"

"_Aeryn_, I don't mind."  

"You may wait in vain, maybe I'll never love again." 

"I'm the _king_ of wishful thinking, it could happen sooner than you think!" 

She patted him on the hand "Don't bet on it," she laughed, "goodnight John."

She headed to the door, paused for a microt and then carried on walking. 

Suddenly, John had a thought "Aeryn?"

"Hmm?" She called back. 

"You said 'I love you John' just before you passed out as I carried you out of your Prowler."

There was a pause. "I was probably still feeling the effects of the heat, I probably thought you were John again or I was still 'talking to the dead'." 

She started to walk again and John said again "But you said that you had recovered from the heat madness just as you were about to plummet into the sun." 

There was an even longer silence 

"Goodnight," was all she would say. 

John looked back out into the blanket of stars and black that was space. A particularly bright star in the distance caught his eye; it was so much like Polaris, the North Star, the one that guided lost people home. 

So far away; at the centre of the chart. It would take time to get there, but he'd get there eventually. Give it time. 

He smiled to himself and said, "Screw you Harvey, love conquers all dude." 

He continued looking out and began to sing 
    
    "Blue Moon blue moon, blue moon
    
     You knew just what I was there for,
    
    You heard me saying a prayer for,
    
    Someone I really could care for,
    
    Wahouaouaoua!
    
    And then there suddenly appeared before me,
    
    The only one my arms will ever hold,
    
    I heard somebody whisper "please adore me,"
    
    And when I looked the moon had turned to gold," 
    
    **THE END  **


End file.
